the urge to purge
huh…. ive only thought about this a couple times.
never really believed i had an issue.
but thinking about it now,
and feeling the urge come over me yet again
im starting to wonder,
and to worry
am i really bulimic??
like, i used to have a slight problem, but only for a short while
then i stopped.
but recently its been coming back,
first with a vengence
then it tapered off
especially with josh helpin me
but i just ate some nuts
i feel it was quite a lot
and i reallllllly wanna purge
like, the urge to purge is almost overwhelming
part of mewants to eat a piece of pizza, then say i have to go pee
and throw every sigle thing i can up
and flush it down the toilet
is this becoming an issue??
i really hope not :/
what can i do to stop it if it does??
cant do it
ughhhh this is happening more and more. i feel down or just plain fat and i purge. i really cant help it. i dont want josh to find out. he’ll get upset or something. ughhhh!!!!! just super stressed and i fukkin hate!!!! eating alone. n it sucks that jake fukkin hates me. :/ i didnt do a fukkin thing to him. he just hates that im takin his friend away from him. and i have noooo fukkin idea why d-trade doesnt like me. i dont even talk to the fucker!!! he has noooo goddamn reason to hate me. if those two didnt hate me, i would eat with the guys almost every night. but noooo!!! they have to be fukkin dicks and not want anything to do with me. im about to fukkin punch that asshole in the face and ask him what the fuck his problem is with me. ughhh!!!! well, time to go have a smoke break. i definitely need one. hopefully this calms me down a bit.
☼ →
I’m sick and tired of hating my body
I’m sick and tired of sucking in
I’m sick and tired of people using my weight against me
I’m sick and tired of not wearing what I want to wear
I’m sick and tired of being lazy cause Im too tired to do anything else
I’m sick and tired of feeling like crap after eating food that I shouldnt be eating
I’m sick and tired of hiding my body under my clothes
I’m sick and tired of being self consious around boys
I’m sick and tired of seeing my skinny friends show off their body while Im hiding mine
I’m sick and tired of wearing bathing suites that cover my stomach
I’m sick and tired of wanting to be someone else
I NEED to do this so bad, not just to prove it to everyone that ever doubted me but to myself.
I may not be there yet but Im closer then I was before and Im not giving up.
I want this more then anything and Im going to start doing whatever it takes to get there.
so tired of always feeling too fat or not pretty enough. ughhh!!!!! i hate that im jealous of my sister. shes a friggin pole and eats one meal a day. i wanna be like that. its sick, but i wanna be like that
frustrating..
- i can never seem to actually stick to a weight loss goal or anything, i find myself saying 'ohh well, ill do it tomorrow' or something, n then i just give up. what can i do to actually stick to it??
ok…havent been on here in a while….
soooo, im freakin out, n ive been gorging myself for the last week or so. had a friggin meltdown beginning of last week, n been goin in a downward spiral since. the guy i reallllly liked, n who i tohught liked me back decided to stop talkin to me, n is now with another girl. after she broke up with her last bf of like, a friggin year about 2 weeks ago. WTF?!?!?! ugh!!!!!! on top of that senior year is suuuper stressful n i have been breaking down about once a week now into sobfests… i dont understand…. n my lil sis is absolutely psychotic. she ried beatin the shit outta me with a spoon today at luch, because i tried having a bowl of ‘her cereal’ needless to say, i hate life atm. it really blows…. n ive been wantin to purge really bad lately.. like, hella bad. i know its bad n all, but i just cant seem to give up all the crappy foods, especially since they are the easiest ones to eat now that i have braces, n its all my dad will buy… thanks to the lil sis :/ grrr!!!!! idk what to do anymore. i just want to freak out n scream n cry, n just run away from everything. cant wait til i graduate n get the hell out of here…. question is, am i gonna be able to make it that long with out goin over the edge first??
Day 20
ok, havent blogged in a few days
n havent really cared what i eat
but got told im gettin thinner,
well, thats what other ppl are saying
should i believe them??
idk… im still super self concious…
hmmm, ohh! got spacers today :)
makes eatin harder lol
maybe i wont eat as much now :P
my mouth just achesssss
ohh well, just gotta get through this
NEW MARCH CALENDAR YAY!! This month’s theme: cardio.
Summer is fast approaching, guys! As I’m sure you all know, the fastest way to burn fat is cardio.
Here are the rules:
1. You want to knock a lot of these exercises out at once to really get your heart rate going. I put my suggested rep count on the calendar. Yours may be completely different. Just do whatever gets you sweating and your heart going, but if you can’t breathe or are in pain, stop.
2. For the mountain climbers and bicycles, one rep is not the movement of one leg. One rep is the movement of right-left (or left-right). BOTH LEGS come up and down.
3. This won’t work if your diet is bad. Eat healthy, darlings. Abs are made in the kitchen.
4. The amount of reps and when you do them are not set in stone. Are you super-fit? Up the reps, do the workout more than once a day, or add this to your regular workout. Are you a beginner? Take it slow, divide the exercises into groups and don’t do them all at once. This is for you, and only you know how your body works.
P.S. Don’t understand some of the exercises? You’ll find them all here, except for the squat-jumps, which you can find here.
Have fun! ♥
Day 18
ehh pretty good. couldve done better, couldve done worse
breakfast-bowl of life n a poor mans mocha
lunch- easy mac n a pickle n a bowl of spaghetti
snacks- donut n about 10-15 club crackers
dinner-bowl of clam chowder w/buffalo sauce n cheese
had a couple deep fried shrimp pieces from dq n a couple french fries.
no workout today
but had a loooong talk with God.
oih…i had a sob-fest
but it was worth it <3
